Anyway, to help deal with the extreme amount of negativity in my head, Mr has been trying to encourage me to think positively, and has been using CBT techniques with me. Amazingly, he hasn't given up on me. Amazingly because I haven't exactly responded in an ideal way at times!
There is a concept that the negative thoughts (as an example, "I am useless") are lies, and that therefore they should be replaced with positive thoughts, aka the truth. However, I have responded to this that saying the positive thoughts would be lying to myself... Masquerading what I see as the truth. Using the same example, when Mr has told me I am not useless, I have been able to give him many reasons why I do believe, in fact, that I am useless. And if I tell myself that I'm not useless, it is a lie, and I am deceiving myself. Mr has always said this is just a reflection of how deep my negativity runs. You really don't want to know the depths to which this concept of positive thinking has been debated... But it really, really, has!
So, we've been together over 5 years now, and he has been trying to help me with these issues for most of that time. Amazingly, over the last couple of months, there has been progress.
It really is a surprise to me. My depression has been better of late (thanks to homeopathy), and my anxiety is improving (dihydrocodeine really does help my head). Even my ME has improved a percentage or two... And I think the, dare I say it, "positive thinking" has helped me cope in situations where I would otherwise have broken down.
For me, it tends to be in 3 forms...
1. When something is causing negativity, stop it or step away from it.
2. If I am speaking something negative, is it really true?
3. If a situation feels negative, can I view it from a positive angle?
For example...
1. I have cut myself off from all news and current affairs, because it pulls me down, deep. I have even unsubscribed myself from mailing lists about the latest benefits news. If people on Facebook regularly post negative things, I hide their stories. (Note: I have friends who are severely depressed who I can handle, but negative sarcasm etc I cannot.) Sometimes when I am cleaning and Mr is too ill to move I joke that he only married me to look after him, which I know is not true... But if I say it too much I believe it... I have to stop saying it and making jokes like that.
2. If I am telling myself I am useless, or soemthing similar, I stop and think. Why am I saying that about myself? Why isn't it true? Or if it is true, is there a reason? Can I change it? Positivity.
3. Just looking at things from a different perspective. For example, today I had managed to pop into Lidl, and there were two checkouts. One had a longer queue, and the second a shorter queue. But the second had a basket on it, making it look closed. Instead of asking, I went to the longer queue. Someone else came up, asked, found out it was open and went through quickly whilst I was stuck in the longer queue... I wanted to beat myself up... But instead was able to learn the lesson that it's ok to ask, I won't get hurt, and I don't need to be scared - maybe next time I'll be able to handle asking. But it's ok I couldn't today, and it's also ok if I can't next time.
Thinking positively won't make my ME better, obviously. But it will help me deal with my depression and anxiety. There are many situations where I would naturally panic, and become quite ill. There are many things which trigger overwhelming anxiety and depression. Harnessing my thoughts and directing them can help manage this, and help my brain heal itself. Not having huge mental health problems will help allow my physical body to heal, and also enable me to have children one day.
I was very anti-positive thinking, and in many ways still want to be! But I am seeing great changes in simply managing my thoughts better, and identifying my triggers.
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