Empathy

OK, so we've established I have issues with anxiety and depression. I am also extremely emotional. People hug on TV? I bawl my eyes out. In 60 years time my husband might die? I bawl my eyes out. I cry. A lot. With tiny triggers.

I also take on other people's emotions. We recently had huge family drama in my father's side of the family. I wasn't just feeling my emotions, but I could intimately feel the emotions of every person involved. Not only that, but they weighed me down and limited my life. You know the phrase about walking in someone else's shoes? For as long as I can remember I have been superglued to everyone else's shoes. I remember in my teens, when my youth leader asked me what I thought my gift was, I said empathy. She replied that very few people were truly empathetic and I was probably just feeling sympathy. It's not. But it's not a healthy empathy either. It is an all-consuming out-of-control empathy.

I mentioned the other day that to help build myself up I have cut off things that pull me down, such as the news and negative people. I have also tried to build up barriers to other people's feelings. It's not that I don't care, it's just that right now I can't care.

My sister had a miscarriage over the weekend, at about 10 weeks. Normally I would be distraught and it would have "ruined" my day. I would be tearful and struggling to cope. As it is, I just accepted it as news, sent love and hugs, said a prayer and got on with the wonderful things we had planned for today.

Part of me feels incredibly uncaring for not joining in the grieving process. But I can't right now. Right now I'm dealing with the contents of my head, and all my own issues. The miscarriage, as awful as it is, is their life, and their emotions. I do not need to be in their heads and feeling their emotions. It's not my life.

One day, maybe in months time, maybe in years, I hope to be feeling again. One day I will, once again, embrace the empathy I feel... But it will be in a healthy way. It will not be all-consuming, and it will not be a strain on me and those around me. One day, because I have learnt the limitations, my empathy will be able to touch people's lives. But to reach that point, right now, I have to control it, and focus on my life, and my healing.

[Written earlier this month, I just delayed hitting post!]