Update: Drs Appointment

OK, so I mentioned I had a Drs appointment yesterday.

I'd actually been needing to go since November/December, but... I can't make appts because I can't use the phone, so Mr has to. Mr forgets to do things and has to be motivated constantly. Because I didn't want to go to the Drs, I haven't been reminding or motivating him. Yeh, vicious cycle. Anyway, on Thursday, when I was barely recovering from the work-focused interview, Mr informed me he was phoning the Drs on Friday. I hoped, for a future appt. He said no, for an appt on Friday. I had a wee breakdown... I agreed tho, just to get it over and done with.

It actually went well, we have a good Dr to talk with.


I've still got The Itch. Did I mention it got rediagnosed as Chronic Vulvitus? Or something like that. I was on a very potent steroid cream for 6 weeks; then a potent steroid cream for 6 weeks; and then it felt a bit better for a short while. Then I tried the hydrocortisone cream, and it made it itchier. Then I got confused. I was getting progressively more itchy, so had 2 weeks back on the potent steroid cream. My Dr has now prescribed me a moderate strength steroid cream, which I will use for 2 weeks before trying... errr... a nappy rash cream. Fun, hey?! I have shown improvements on the steroids. I mean, the very potent one made the skin very fragile and sore, on my thighs as well as my vulva. That improved on the potent one, and I've started to produce natural lubricant again. I think we're making progress, it's just working out how best to manage it now.


And... I am now on an antidepressant. Citalopram, to be precise. I've considered them for years. But I was too young, and homeopathy helped, and I simply didn't want to. I've been scared of losing my emotions, losing my libido, and a million other things. When they were given to me, I felt the weight of the stigma attached to them land on my shoulders. But I feel proud that I'm taking them. It feels like the most grown up decision I've ever made, because I'm actually trying to take control of my life. I feel positive about it.

The most difficult thing about it is that it sorta means delaying starting a family. That is really, really hard to deal with. Especially as we haven't used contraception/been careful since late 2011, and now we have to be somewhat careful again... I don't want to be on this long term, I'm hoping within a year I will be strong enough to manage without it, and then we can start TTC properly. But noone but our Dr and my homeopath knew we wanted to start a family, so noone knows how hard this is...

It's also not advised to take Ibuprofen with it, so I'm going to have to be super strict with that - I can't imagine getting through the first few hours of period pain without it, so we'll see how it goes. The Dr didn't mention my Dihydrocodeine though, so I assume that's ok!

As for the reason we've eventually taken this plunge with an antidepressant? Well... I am sick of feeling so overwhelmed, suicidal, unable to cope. Mr is struggling to deal with my hours of screaming/crying/shut down every day, and he needs something to stabilise my emotions. The reason my mental health has got so severe? ESA. Work focused interviews. Medicals. Appeals. Tribunals. Brown envelopes. Just hearing the letterbox go gives me a mini panic attack now.

I pray these tablets are worth delaying our family for. I pray they help me. I pray I can take control of myself again. And I pray that an improvement in my mental health won't mean they class me fit for work, because my physical health is still more severe when people realise.

 

How to Offend Disabled People.

Sadly, I cannot find the offending leaflet online. However, when me and Mr walked into the Job Centre the other day for a complusory work-focused interview (nevermind I couldn't sit up long enough for the interview) I was met with a barrage of leaflets asking if I would be better off in work.

Of course I'd be better off in work! We could afford everything we want, and live somewhere nice, and have a mortgage and settle down, afford holidays and all our car expenses. Life would be amazing if we were healthy and could earn our own money, it's all we want!

But some of us do not have a choice, and to be treated as if this is my choice?

So. F***ing. Angry.

How to Waste Tax Payers Money.

It's pretty simple really, you just send someone who is obviously not well enough to work to attend work-focused interviews. A waste of people's time, people's money, and only causing me and Mr to stay ill for longer.

Well done, government.

Most of it was spent with the interviewer complaining about the lack of air conditioning in the building, as she knew it was pointless, too.

Just think, stop my interviews, and you could give the staff decent working conditions...

ESA

I had some positive news!! My ESA result was pretty late arriving, but then I had a very long form and there were 2 bank holidays! It ended up that Mr phoned them for the result, and the letter arrived a few hours later! It removed another morning of the horrific anxious suspense though, so it was worth it.

So yes, the good news is that I was awarded ESA in the move from IB/IS :) I can't believe I scored enough points, but it's wonderful. I'm hearing so many stories of people who aren't as successful :( However, just knowing I have to attend work-focused interviews has made my anxiety worse, so we are appealing that I should be moved to the support group under the exceptional circumstance rule: Regulation 35(2)(b) states that, under exceptional circumstances, someone can be found to have limited capability for work-related activity if they "suffer from some specific disease or bodily or mental disablement and, by reasons of such disease or disablement, there would be a substantial risk to the mental or physical health of any person if you were found not to have limited capability for work-related activity".

I find the difference in phrases between the two groups confusing though - the work-related activity group means you have "limited capability for work" (i.e. you are not well enough to have a job); and the support group means that you have "limited capability for work-related activity" (i.e. you are not well enough to attend work-focussed interviews). Talk about confusing!

Anyway, I have lots of posts in my head, so I will try and share them soon...