This Blasted Illness

I can't say I'm coping very well atm. I've started taking dihydrocodeine regularly because it helps my anxiety, and I pray I don't get addicted.

I had my ESA medical on Friday. Thanks to Benefits and Work I was able to get it recorded. The day before (because of the need to set up the recording equipment) my time was moved from 3pm to 1pm. We arrived 12:50 ish, and weren't seen til nearly half 2... Turns out they now read your ESA50 before you go in, which was quite surprising. And of course took the guy a long time with 30 pages! It was good though, as it meant he understood a bit, and was able to ask relevant questions. And (maybe just because of the recording?) he treated me and my husband with respect, which was a nice change from all the Atos "practitioners" Mr has seen. I was even in the same room (and requested the same chair!) as my IB medical back in 2008.

As for how it went? Well, it all depends upon the tick boxes. I'm hopeful, but you never know. I need to be in the support group though, so even if I'm put in WRAG I'm going to appeal :( I cannot handle the interviews etc, they will kill me. I would say if I don't kill myself first, but I could never leave my husband.

My DLA tribunal is tomorrow, which is scary. At the end of the day, it's not the end of the world if I lose. Our finances stay the same. But I fit the criteria, and I will find it very difficult to accept if they turn me down. It's scary. I just wish the medical profession would offer me more support.

My head problems have got worse with all the benefits madness. My anxiety has got worse, my anger is a whole new level. Just really struggling.

I've been on several new homeopathy remedies this year, but none of them are quite helping me enough, so I don't know how far we will go. I only know that if I am taken off everything I will crumble.

We keep discussing proper anxiety medication. I may be nearing that point. I want to find an end to benefit battles and see if I can improve by myself. But if I can't, or they continue, it may be time.

Mr commented that it's adding years to my illness, fighting all these battles. I can't handle the words. But it's so true.

It's been 12 years, and yet I still can't handle it. We should be earning a living, buying a house and having a family. We shouldn't be going to court to get money to live because we're not even well enough to cook for ourselves. My OCD is becoming more apparent too, as we become more dependent on carers and I can't let go. I feel like I just need to shake myself and all my head problems and physical problems will go away, but they won't. I know I will be healed one day, but right now I can't accept being ill. I'm so angry.

And yes. 10 months later, I still have thrush. I have started doing gentle back stretches on a gym ball though, and I think it might actually be helping my back pain. There has to be hope somewhere?

The reality of Welfare Rights funding cuts...

... and why we won't return to the CAB.

Mr phoned Welfare Rights this morning. They've been with us since June, when we stumbled across them whilst looking for support for Mr's ESA claim. They invited us in and talked through our finances and benefits claims; and since then have phoned us occasionally to see how things are going for us. Despite being a government organisation, they have felt the most concerned for our welfare.

Over the phone, they were able to give Mr advice on his medical this week, just grounding him in how to approach it, really.

Mr asked about a representative for my DLA tribunal... We can go in nearer the time and have some help preparing, but there is no longer funding to provide a representative to tribunals. And this is where the funding cuts hit the poor and disabled first.


The only suggestion given was to go to the Citizen's Advice Bureau. Sadly, this just isn't an option for us. Aside from the fact that appointments at our local CAB are gold dust (the only time we went, we booked an appointment, but only got in the door because someone had forgotten to lock it, and were then forced to sit there for 3 hours), the quality of the service is... dare I say it... unacceptable? Please don't shout at me, I am fully aware it's volunteer based, and I am sure there are many caring, knowledgable and supportive volunteers... I just haven't met one yet.

We first used a CAB for Mr's ESA tribunal (for his first claim - he's claimed twice now), and the lady we had there barely believed he was ill, and instead of basing the tribunal argument on his serious health conditions, she was encouraging him to lie about being suicidal or having uncontrollable anger. We were not prepared to lie, his health says it all, and thanks to her we lost the tribunal.

We went to a CAB again when we moved in together (which is when we snuck in through the unlocked door...!) and wanted to know what we were entitled to. They informed us that because I was on Incapactiy Benefit we couldn't get any other income related help. We lived off £106 a week for over a year, until Welfare Rights came on the scene, and informed us we were entitled to an Income Support top up, bringing our income to a point that we can actually survive. (We managed to get 3 months back payment after some strongly worded letters about the CAB, but we still lost a year's worth of Income Support, and we lost our savings, since we had to use them to survive.)


And so, thanks to funding cuts, we shall be making our health worse, to fight for DLA, which is about to be revamped and probably taken away from us anyway, just so we have a little bit of money left over when we've paid all the bills.