DLA prep 2.

Bit of a misleading title since we haven't managed any the last couple of days. Monday's pounding headache hasn't truly disappeared, we've been living off takeaways and our house is a mess. Carer (mother in law) coming tomorrow though.

My anxiety is a mess. It's not because of my new homeopathy remedy, it's simply life is so severe I can't cope. Don't want to cope. Crying, constantly. It's too difficult.

DLA tribunal in 4 days.

ESA form turning up at any point.

Too ill for my dreams.

I wish the DWP/government/Atos/people who make the decisions could understand how very ill the process makes me. How I'm a trembling crying wreck for weeks at a time and it's all their fault.

I don't even think they'll believe I'm ill.

"Something for something" & DLA contd

You may have heard the Government's latest mantra mentioned on both BBC and Guardian, "something for something".

It works around the concept that to receive benefits you must give something. Even when disabled. Whether this "something" consists of volunteering or working remains to be seen.

And, if like me and Mr you are simply too ill to work? Well. We obviously have no value in society. If we can prove our invisible disabilities are real and serious, and that we're not just "workshy", we might get basic support. But we know what it's like to prove to the benefits system that you're ill when you don't fit into tick boxes.

I have never hated this country more than since it became a ConDemned nation. Being disabled is one of the most difficult trials, more than a healthy person could understand. Add in the concept of being scum and a drain on society; add in benefit forms, medicals, appeals and tribunals; add in Atos and this horrific Government... And you're just left wondering what the point is.


Yesterdays post consisted of 2 more DLA letters. One for me - looks like they don't believe I'm as ill as I am, since they're sending me straight to tribunal without a medical. And I don't even have an ME specialist letter to help my case, since they want me to have group therapy rather than see a specialist. Its only been 11 years, I think I know how to manage my condition thank you very much. I just need some medical support behind me. Especially when my dr denied my need for care when they wrote to her. Anyone wish to scream with me?

And the second letter? Mr has a home medical next week. That crushing weight became heavier. I am living proof that the benefits system makes your health worse. When we don't have a battle on I can keep my stress and anxiety under control. Benefits battles make those symptoms flare up for weeks/months at a time, which in turn makes my health worse and takes me further away from recovery.

As does every new mantra against disabled people, every scheme against us, and every comment that belittles the horrificness of this process.

Brown Envelopes

If you've spent any time in the benefits system, you'll know about, and probably fear, the brown envelopes. Letters from the DWP, more often than not carrying bad news. Atos however, use white envelopes, relieving the initial fear of post landing on your doorstep. Well, until you see who it's from, when the fear quadruples.

Mr received an Atos letter today, informing him he will have a medical as part of his DLA claim. He's already had a medical this year, for his ESA claim. We fought for months to get it at home, and eventually he had to go to their centre for it. He fell head first out the taxi when he got there, and we were both treated horifically by the "nurse". She practically shouted at me when I stood up for him,  she threatened him when he was too ill to move, and he was told to pull himself together when his leg spasmed.

This medical looks like it will be at our house, which is a huge improvement. It is still terrifying though. I suffer from awful stress, and it makes my ME so much worse. The moment we got that letter a huge weight dropped into me again, and I don't know how to shift it. It's just stuck there, sucking everything from me. My anxiety is high and I've been shaking for hours now.

Will I be getting a similar letter through the post this week? I'm applying for DLA too, and unlike Mr I haven't had a medical since 2008.

I'm terrifed. It's not "just a form", it's not "just a medical". It's a stressful, life destroying, humiliating experience, where you have to try and prove the truth - you have a fluctuating invisible disability, that you desperately need help with, but which doesn't fit into any of their tick boxes.

We're entitled to this help, and I hate the world making us feel like "benefit scrounging scum". We're disabled, not lazy. And being disabled doesn't make us a lower class. You might be this ill one day.