A Small Snippet of Reality.

Before Christmas, the dr prescribed me codeine to try and help the pain. Within 48 hours I was insanely itchy, and had red patches all over my body, and I haven't dared go back to it. So, until I can get back to the dr, it's back to borrowing Mr's painkillers to get me thru the tough days.

The problem with painkillers, is that I push myself. Really push myself. And then crash for a couple of days. Christmas was hectic, and I've been crashing ever since. I know painkillers would help so much, but they would also cause me to continue pushing myself, and that just can't happen!

Last night was horrible. My crash came on really suddenly, and just wiped me out. I was lying in bed, shattered. Shivering, even though I don't think it was that cold. And just falling into this pit of self-loathing. My anger was immense.

I was too ill to move, and the feeling of cold was making it harder. I was too tired to do my thrush treatments, too tired to take my homeopathy, couldn't even reach for a drink. I couldn't move my limbs. And I hated myself for it. Hated myself.

In the end, my husband sat me up, clothed me in layers, and walked me to the bathroom. He got me a hot water bottle, and just did everything for me. He left me for a couple of minutes and when he came back I was a sobbing heap on the bathroom floor.

It was all made more difficult because I couldn't even communicate. The words he was saying wouldn't sink in to my head. Simple yes or no questions were greeted with "I just don't know". And I simply couldn't speak. Couldn't open my mouth. Couldn't talk. We're trying to develop a simple sign language for these occasions, but it takes time!

I hate putting him through it, I really do. It is so out of my control though, it's my ultimate crash, and they're so horrible. You're wondering what huge thing I'd done yesterday to cause it? I had a shower, and spent some time with my husband - the first time in nearly 3 weeks.

My body is broken.