Fear of Pregnancy

I know, I know. Every woman fears pregnancy, labour, and motherhood to some degree. The thing is, my head and body don't work like most peoples, and from the research I've done, my fear approaches from a different angle.

Most women's fears are eased by the concept of doctors and the hospital being involved. But I am terrified of anything to do with the medical profession, and that is basically where this problem stems from.

And it is a problem. We've been wanting to start a family for a while now, and every 6 months we put it off again. And that's happened several times. We really were going to start trying... well, this month. But it looks like my head is going to get in the way again.

And yes, we do still have years ahead of us in which to start a family. But we always said we'd at least be trying by the time Mr is 30, and he's nearly 31. We're hoping to start a business up in the next couple of years, and I would really like us to have made it through one pregnancy without having to deal with work too. My mental health means that even if Mr recovered physically, I would need him at home to care for me, and it almost makes sense to let that happen whilst he is still physically rather ill.

But will having a baby around take up so much of our energy that it would stop us from recovering further? I know that's a risk we're willing to take.

So, what do I actually fear?

I fear doctors appointments. Getting Mr to phone up for an appointment, the anxiety leading up to one, going to the doctors, sitting there, waiting, talking... It is incredibly difficult for me.

I fear possibly having to stop my dihydrocodeine, especially as the weeks progress. Dihydro allows me to cope a little better.

I fear hospital appointments - leaving the house, the anxiety leading up to it, travelling, waiting, talking. Not knowing what is happening. Not being understood. They will just assume I'm healthy and normal. Not suffering from ME, depression, anxiety, and fear of them. My last appointment triggered suicidal depression again.

I fear not being understood. People not understanding how my body reacts to things. It's fine, we can just do a biopsy! Err... It's ok, you can have anaesthetic! No I can't, that will make me ill. Oh...

I fear antidepressants. I'm considering them because my mental health hasn't been great, but I don't know how they'll mix with pregnancy.

I fear my body shape changing, and not feeling sexy.

I fear more fatigue, more aches, more pain in my body. My back pain worsening... please no. I'm still suffering from itching, and I swear the steroid creams are causing more issues than they're helping.

I fear the fact that I can't exercise, and I can't always eat healthy.

I fear my body not being strong enough to cope.

I fear anything going wrong that could put me in hospital - I cannot go in to hospital. I don't trust them. I don't feel safe. They wouldn't let Mr stay and I cannot be on my own.

I fear having to be in hospital for the birth, or being rushed there. I can't. I would refuse it...

I fear having a lot of doctors/nurses/midwives around me. Looking at me. Forcing things. Not respecting me. Abusing me.

I want a home water birth, though I don't know how I access that. I know I will be judged for it. I really want to go private - especially to a birthing centre with a water bath, and where Mr can stay with me 24/7. But we're disabled - we don't have the money for that.

I fear tears. Stitches. Prolapses.

I fear ME relapsing, though I know Mr will help me through anything.

I fear the benefits people ever saying to us - well you can look after a child, why can't you work?

I fear being judged for starting a family whilst living on benefits.

I fear not being able to have sex for a while after labour. I need sex. My mental health deteriorates without it.

I fear not being able to lose weight afterwards.

I fear being too touch senstive to breast feed.

I fear my depression becoming worse - during and after. Especially as it is directly affected by fatigue. I fear this affecting my relationship with the baby.

I fear that becoming more educated about it all will just make my anxiety worse, because it's all so medical related.

I fear being in my own head.


Now, what I don't fear.

I don't fear Mr ever leaving me.

I don't fear labour in and of itself, because I know Mr will be with me. I just fear my body's strength, or lack of.

I don't fear Mr being affected by my body changing.

I don't fear being a mother.

I don't fear a baby being seriously ill, as I know we can deal with that.

I don't fear it having a negative affect on our sex life, we can deal with that.

I don't fear having a baby inside of me - that's so exciting!


I do want to be pregnant, it's just the depression, the anxiety, the medical profession... :(

I know God will not allow anything to happen which we can't handle. I know everything will be ok. But I'm just too scared.

We've decided to just see how things go. Not actively try, but not try not to, either. Just place it in God's hands, and trust it will happen when the time is right.

The difficulty is, that this feels a form of infertility to me. I do not feel able to have children - it's just due to mental health reasons, rather than physical reasons. I feel grief over this. And I feel inadequate - woman's bodies are built for this, and yet I can't do it? I feel so inadequate. I can deal with most women's fears, because I know me and Mr can get through anything. What I can't deal with is the stuff most women take for granted - the NHS.

Positivity

Anyone who knows me will know I'm not the most positive of people... I like to think of myself as realistic, but it probably is a bit more pessimistic!! Not helped by sarcasm, although I'm not as bad as I used to be. If someone asked me if the glass was half full or half empty, I would reply that it's either twice as big as it needs to be or only working at 50% efficiency... Yeh.

Anyway, to help deal with the extreme amount of negativity in my head, Mr has been trying to encourage me to think positively, and has been using CBT techniques with me. Amazingly, he hasn't given up on me. Amazingly because I haven't exactly responded in an ideal way at times!

There is a concept that the negative thoughts (as an example, "I am useless") are lies, and that therefore they should be replaced with positive thoughts, aka the truth. However, I have responded to this that saying the positive thoughts would be lying to myself... Masquerading what I see as the truth. Using the same example, when Mr has told me I am not useless, I have been able to give him many reasons why I do believe, in fact, that I am useless. And if I tell myself that I'm not useless, it is a lie, and I am deceiving myself. Mr has always said this is just a reflection of how deep my negativity runs. You really don't want to know the depths to which this concept of positive thinking has been debated... But it really, really, has!

So, we've been together over 5 years now, and he has been trying to help me with these issues for most of that time. Amazingly, over the last couple of months, there has been progress.

It really is a surprise to me. My depression has been better of late (thanks to homeopathy), and my anxiety is improving (dihydrocodeine really does help my head). Even my ME has improved a percentage or two... And I think the, dare I say it, "positive thinking" has helped me cope in situations where I would otherwise have broken down.

For me, it tends to be in 3 forms...
1. When something is causing negativity, stop it or step away from it.
2. If I am speaking something negative, is it really true?
3. If a situation feels negative, can I view it from a positive angle?

For example...
1. I have cut myself off from all news and current affairs, because it pulls me down, deep. I have even unsubscribed myself from mailing lists about the latest benefits news. If people on Facebook regularly post negative things, I hide their stories. (Note: I have friends who are severely depressed who I can handle, but negative sarcasm etc I cannot.) Sometimes when I am cleaning and Mr is too ill to move I joke that he only married me to look after him, which I know is not true... But if I say it too much I believe it... I have to stop saying it and making jokes like that.

2. If I am telling myself I am useless, or soemthing similar, I stop and think. Why am I saying that about myself? Why isn't it true? Or if it is true, is there a reason? Can I change it? Positivity.

3. Just looking at things from a different perspective. For example, today I had managed to pop into Lidl, and there were two checkouts. One had a longer queue, and the second a shorter queue. But the second had a basket on it, making it look closed. Instead of asking, I went to the longer queue. Someone else came up, asked, found out it was open and went through quickly whilst I was stuck in the longer queue... I wanted to beat myself up... But instead was able to learn the lesson that it's ok to ask, I won't get hurt, and I don't need to be scared - maybe next time I'll be able to handle asking. But it's ok I couldn't today, and it's also ok if I can't next time.

Thinking positively won't make my ME better, obviously. But it will help me deal with my depression and anxiety. There are many situations where I would naturally panic, and become quite ill. There are many things which trigger overwhelming anxiety and depression. Harnessing my thoughts and directing them can help manage this, and help my brain heal itself. Not having huge mental health problems will help allow my physical body to heal, and also enable me to have children one day.

I was very anti-positive thinking, and in many ways still want to be! But I am seeing great changes in simply managing my thoughts better, and identifying my triggers.

This Blasted Illness

I can't say I'm coping very well atm. I've started taking dihydrocodeine regularly because it helps my anxiety, and I pray I don't get addicted.

I had my ESA medical on Friday. Thanks to Benefits and Work I was able to get it recorded. The day before (because of the need to set up the recording equipment) my time was moved from 3pm to 1pm. We arrived 12:50 ish, and weren't seen til nearly half 2... Turns out they now read your ESA50 before you go in, which was quite surprising. And of course took the guy a long time with 30 pages! It was good though, as it meant he understood a bit, and was able to ask relevant questions. And (maybe just because of the recording?) he treated me and my husband with respect, which was a nice change from all the Atos "practitioners" Mr has seen. I was even in the same room (and requested the same chair!) as my IB medical back in 2008.

As for how it went? Well, it all depends upon the tick boxes. I'm hopeful, but you never know. I need to be in the support group though, so even if I'm put in WRAG I'm going to appeal :( I cannot handle the interviews etc, they will kill me. I would say if I don't kill myself first, but I could never leave my husband.

My DLA tribunal is tomorrow, which is scary. At the end of the day, it's not the end of the world if I lose. Our finances stay the same. But I fit the criteria, and I will find it very difficult to accept if they turn me down. It's scary. I just wish the medical profession would offer me more support.

My head problems have got worse with all the benefits madness. My anxiety has got worse, my anger is a whole new level. Just really struggling.

I've been on several new homeopathy remedies this year, but none of them are quite helping me enough, so I don't know how far we will go. I only know that if I am taken off everything I will crumble.

We keep discussing proper anxiety medication. I may be nearing that point. I want to find an end to benefit battles and see if I can improve by myself. But if I can't, or they continue, it may be time.

Mr commented that it's adding years to my illness, fighting all these battles. I can't handle the words. But it's so true.

It's been 12 years, and yet I still can't handle it. We should be earning a living, buying a house and having a family. We shouldn't be going to court to get money to live because we're not even well enough to cook for ourselves. My OCD is becoming more apparent too, as we become more dependent on carers and I can't let go. I feel like I just need to shake myself and all my head problems and physical problems will go away, but they won't. I know I will be healed one day, but right now I can't accept being ill. I'm so angry.

And yes. 10 months later, I still have thrush. I have started doing gentle back stretches on a gym ball though, and I think it might actually be helping my back pain. There has to be hope somewhere?

12 Years.

Tomorrow, I turn 22.

The last time I was well for my Birthday, I was turning 10.

This year, on top of the ME, the back pain and the thrush, I also have a cold.


Of course it saddens me some what, but I know it will be an amazing day with my husband and family <3


In other updates... Got homeopathy again this week, to try and sort out dosage confusions. Mr has ADHD clinic too. Next week I've got dentist, then week after that my DLA tribunal. My anxiety is remaining surprisingly low. Had the drs this week, and have a potential gyne referral for the thrush, and I am now on dihydrocodeine along with Mr.

It helps with my brain fog (well, the heavy weight of fog, frustration and anger in my forehead) as well as dealing with my sensitivities and pain, so it's quite good :)

Some rambles.

Wow, I have 2 whole followers... Thanks! Sorry I haven't written in a while. It's been in my thoughts a lot, but my thoughts have been so numerous and disorganised that writing them down has felt impossible.

I did too much at the beginning of November, resulting in the last 4-6 weeks being spent resting more than normal. One of the big things to have hit us as a couple has been that I've been too ill to cook for us. Thankfully this tied in with Mr being awarded DLA, and so takeaways have been an affordable option on such days. Without that, I honestly don't know what we'd have done.

There's been a lot about ME in the media lately (from news articles about how many school children could have ME, to The Food Hospital on Channel 4 saying they're just tired people who need to eat right). To be honest, I have generally ignored it. That might sound odd, but I haven't been able to handle it emotionally lately. Just coping with keeping me and my husband going has been more than enough. From what I've heard, ME has continued to be portrayed inaccurately, and since that only fuels my anger it's best for me to keep away. On top of that, the benefits cheats being publicised so widely and the hate campaigns against disabled people have left me scared just to leave the house.

Me and Mr have been constantly told (by people like the local physio who was nice but useless, to a back masseuse who hammered me until I cried) that we should exercise. Noone who has ever experienced moderate (or worse!) ME would say that. When you have to think twice about how you are going to eat tonight, or if you can reach to have a drink, exercising is just a joke. One person even told us it wouldn't make us worse! Maybe not for a healthy person, but a body suffering from ME doesn't work like a healthy persons, and the slightest bit too much can cause huge setbacks, as shown by my recent crash.

The long term tablets Mr was put on for his ADD (methylphenidate hydrochloride) appear to generally be making his thinking clearer, and easing some of his brain fog. The short term tablets (Strattera) are knocking his ME, even on the lowest dose, so are being used with caution. His dihydrocodeine is still helping his pain, but with starting to sit up again his back pain is showing up more.

I get to see an NHS homeopath again next week, which will hopefully help me get back on track. Spent the last year fighting funding issues.

We both saw a back masseuse this week. She really helped Mr, and is gradually bringing his back to a healthier state. I struggle with the slightest touch on my back, and so the work she was doing to me has made me quite ill overall. I knew it was too much but she didn't listen to me when I asked her to stop, and I wasn't strong enough to stand up for myself. As bad as my back and neck problems are, I won't be trying that again til my ME is much better.

I've also had thrush for the last 5 and a half months. With having ME, I don't think my immune system is strong enough to fight it. Today I was informed my dr will no longer prescribe me the one cream which has been easing symptoms... But she will prescribe me tablets I can't even swallow... She is convinced they will work, even though the other 7 prescriptions I've had haven't! So we went out and bought the cream (there's a reason we have free prescriptions though!) and will have to go in and fight for it on Friday. I think Mr will be doing most of the talking like he did today. I get too angry and upset. My anxiety is rough.

Sorry if this is bitty and doesn't read well. I set up this blog to document how difficult this life is, and have since discovered that it's almost as difficult to truly write about and do justice to.