Update: Drs Appointment

OK, so I mentioned I had a Drs appointment yesterday.

I'd actually been needing to go since November/December, but... I can't make appts because I can't use the phone, so Mr has to. Mr forgets to do things and has to be motivated constantly. Because I didn't want to go to the Drs, I haven't been reminding or motivating him. Yeh, vicious cycle. Anyway, on Thursday, when I was barely recovering from the work-focused interview, Mr informed me he was phoning the Drs on Friday. I hoped, for a future appt. He said no, for an appt on Friday. I had a wee breakdown... I agreed tho, just to get it over and done with.

It actually went well, we have a good Dr to talk with.


I've still got The Itch. Did I mention it got rediagnosed as Chronic Vulvitus? Or something like that. I was on a very potent steroid cream for 6 weeks; then a potent steroid cream for 6 weeks; and then it felt a bit better for a short while. Then I tried the hydrocortisone cream, and it made it itchier. Then I got confused. I was getting progressively more itchy, so had 2 weeks back on the potent steroid cream. My Dr has now prescribed me a moderate strength steroid cream, which I will use for 2 weeks before trying... errr... a nappy rash cream. Fun, hey?! I have shown improvements on the steroids. I mean, the very potent one made the skin very fragile and sore, on my thighs as well as my vulva. That improved on the potent one, and I've started to produce natural lubricant again. I think we're making progress, it's just working out how best to manage it now.


And... I am now on an antidepressant. Citalopram, to be precise. I've considered them for years. But I was too young, and homeopathy helped, and I simply didn't want to. I've been scared of losing my emotions, losing my libido, and a million other things. When they were given to me, I felt the weight of the stigma attached to them land on my shoulders. But I feel proud that I'm taking them. It feels like the most grown up decision I've ever made, because I'm actually trying to take control of my life. I feel positive about it.

The most difficult thing about it is that it sorta means delaying starting a family. That is really, really hard to deal with. Especially as we haven't used contraception/been careful since late 2011, and now we have to be somewhat careful again... I don't want to be on this long term, I'm hoping within a year I will be strong enough to manage without it, and then we can start TTC properly. But noone but our Dr and my homeopath knew we wanted to start a family, so noone knows how hard this is...

It's also not advised to take Ibuprofen with it, so I'm going to have to be super strict with that - I can't imagine getting through the first few hours of period pain without it, so we'll see how it goes. The Dr didn't mention my Dihydrocodeine though, so I assume that's ok!

As for the reason we've eventually taken this plunge with an antidepressant? Well... I am sick of feeling so overwhelmed, suicidal, unable to cope. Mr is struggling to deal with my hours of screaming/crying/shut down every day, and he needs something to stabilise my emotions. The reason my mental health has got so severe? ESA. Work focused interviews. Medicals. Appeals. Tribunals. Brown envelopes. Just hearing the letterbox go gives me a mini panic attack now.

I pray these tablets are worth delaying our family for. I pray they help me. I pray I can take control of myself again. And I pray that an improvement in my mental health won't mean they class me fit for work, because my physical health is still more severe when people realise.

 

ESA

I had some positive news!! My ESA result was pretty late arriving, but then I had a very long form and there were 2 bank holidays! It ended up that Mr phoned them for the result, and the letter arrived a few hours later! It removed another morning of the horrific anxious suspense though, so it was worth it.

So yes, the good news is that I was awarded ESA in the move from IB/IS :) I can't believe I scored enough points, but it's wonderful. I'm hearing so many stories of people who aren't as successful :( However, just knowing I have to attend work-focused interviews has made my anxiety worse, so we are appealing that I should be moved to the support group under the exceptional circumstance rule: Regulation 35(2)(b) states that, under exceptional circumstances, someone can be found to have limited capability for work-related activity if they "suffer from some specific disease or bodily or mental disablement and, by reasons of such disease or disablement, there would be a substantial risk to the mental or physical health of any person if you were found not to have limited capability for work-related activity".

I find the difference in phrases between the two groups confusing though - the work-related activity group means you have "limited capability for work" (i.e. you are not well enough to have a job); and the support group means that you have "limited capability for work-related activity" (i.e. you are not well enough to attend work-focussed interviews). Talk about confusing!

Anyway, I have lots of posts in my head, so I will try and share them soon...

This Blasted Illness

I can't say I'm coping very well atm. I've started taking dihydrocodeine regularly because it helps my anxiety, and I pray I don't get addicted.

I had my ESA medical on Friday. Thanks to Benefits and Work I was able to get it recorded. The day before (because of the need to set up the recording equipment) my time was moved from 3pm to 1pm. We arrived 12:50 ish, and weren't seen til nearly half 2... Turns out they now read your ESA50 before you go in, which was quite surprising. And of course took the guy a long time with 30 pages! It was good though, as it meant he understood a bit, and was able to ask relevant questions. And (maybe just because of the recording?) he treated me and my husband with respect, which was a nice change from all the Atos "practitioners" Mr has seen. I was even in the same room (and requested the same chair!) as my IB medical back in 2008.

As for how it went? Well, it all depends upon the tick boxes. I'm hopeful, but you never know. I need to be in the support group though, so even if I'm put in WRAG I'm going to appeal :( I cannot handle the interviews etc, they will kill me. I would say if I don't kill myself first, but I could never leave my husband.

My DLA tribunal is tomorrow, which is scary. At the end of the day, it's not the end of the world if I lose. Our finances stay the same. But I fit the criteria, and I will find it very difficult to accept if they turn me down. It's scary. I just wish the medical profession would offer me more support.

My head problems have got worse with all the benefits madness. My anxiety has got worse, my anger is a whole new level. Just really struggling.

I've been on several new homeopathy remedies this year, but none of them are quite helping me enough, so I don't know how far we will go. I only know that if I am taken off everything I will crumble.

We keep discussing proper anxiety medication. I may be nearing that point. I want to find an end to benefit battles and see if I can improve by myself. But if I can't, or they continue, it may be time.

Mr commented that it's adding years to my illness, fighting all these battles. I can't handle the words. But it's so true.

It's been 12 years, and yet I still can't handle it. We should be earning a living, buying a house and having a family. We shouldn't be going to court to get money to live because we're not even well enough to cook for ourselves. My OCD is becoming more apparent too, as we become more dependent on carers and I can't let go. I feel like I just need to shake myself and all my head problems and physical problems will go away, but they won't. I know I will be healed one day, but right now I can't accept being ill. I'm so angry.

And yes. 10 months later, I still have thrush. I have started doing gentle back stretches on a gym ball though, and I think it might actually be helping my back pain. There has to be hope somewhere?

DLA Tribunal (Take 1)

Well... Today was odd.

The taxi turned up and we made it to the court on time. We sat on the floor outside the room until someone got us chairs.

The tribunal clerk came out, and since I was trembling and had already been crying my husband did the talking. Apparently he can't talk on my behalf without being made an appealant. Now you tell us.

About 5-10 minutes later we're called in. The panel (judge, dr and care awareness person) introduce themselves.

"We've read over your claim and we've come to a decision."

Wait. What? They haven't even asked us anything yet... Are they awarding me DLA?

"We are going to ask your GP for your last 13 months medical records..."

OK, now? Or what?

"And someone is going to come to your house and give you a medical."

Ah, right, so what should have happened originally. (They didn't look impressed I'd been sent to tribunal without a medical!)

"It should all happen pretty promptly, then we'll see you back here."

Heh. So I've got to go thru a medical and all this over again. Joy.

/leave.

The good things are that we can now make Mr my appealant. It's not a straight out no. The medical might count for my ESA claim too?

The bad things of course, are that I've got to have a medical and potentially go through the tribunal still, and all that stress. Sorta hoping it'll be reconsidered without me having to go, but we'll have to see.

Oh, and there's nothing overly good in my GP records, so that's a bit worrying. But nothing I can do about that now.

Mr was amazing and spoke well and looked after me <3

DLA prep 3

So, with 3 days to go, I found the appeal papers. They'd ended up at the bottom of a pile of papers near Mr's desk, that I thought was just full of utility bills etc. I don't even remember receiving them... There was also updates with the supporting evidence too. *sigh*

We now have next to no time to work through all this, and it rather makes me want to cry.

                                                       

Done it!! We still need to read over it a bit, but I think we've sorted all our arguments out. I managed it without freaking too, thanks to the dihydrocodeine.

And the copy of my original form in the appeal papers doesn't have any pages - unlike the initial copy of my form they sent me that did. Admittedly they still think there's some missing as we haven't spoken to them since we found the original appeal papers... But hey.