Review: Colman's Season and Shake

Reviews probably aren't going to be common round here, but sometimes they are just necessary!

Tonight was one of those nights. We've had to resort to ready meals so often lately, we've had enough. We'd picked up eggs to make a spanish omelette tonight, but come dinner time I was too exhusted to make it. Upon suggesting the chip shop, I discovered my husband was in a lot of pain, and I didn't want him to have to go out, and I wasn't well enough to get dressed.

So, I looked in our cupboards. The other week, I picked up a Colman's Season and Shake, sausage and herb flavour, and it seemed managable. Better for us and tastier than a ready meal, didn't need to leave the house, didn't need huge amounts of prep and sitting over the stove, and very few dishes... Err, yes please!

I just sliced an onion and a pepper (both of which could be done in advance on a "better day", or by someone else, and frozen); sliced some spuds and some brocolli (Mr doesn't like mushrooms!) and threw in the sausages. Let it cook, and done! I don't love it, but Mr likes it a lot, so we will be visiting this range again. It feels like I've cooked us a decent meal, but so very managably, and that's super important. Next time I might sub the onions for leeks, and the brocolli for cauliflower. But really, you can just make it up with what you've got!

Yay for easy meals :) Do you have meals which you can knock up quickly on the bad-but-not-dead days?

How to Offend Disabled People.

Sadly, I cannot find the offending leaflet online. However, when me and Mr walked into the Job Centre the other day for a complusory work-focused interview (nevermind I couldn't sit up long enough for the interview) I was met with a barrage of leaflets asking if I would be better off in work.

Of course I'd be better off in work! We could afford everything we want, and live somewhere nice, and have a mortgage and settle down, afford holidays and all our car expenses. Life would be amazing if we were healthy and could earn our own money, it's all we want!

But some of us do not have a choice, and to be treated as if this is my choice?

So. F***ing. Angry.

How to Waste Tax Payers Money.

It's pretty simple really, you just send someone who is obviously not well enough to work to attend work-focused interviews. A waste of people's time, people's money, and only causing me and Mr to stay ill for longer.

Well done, government.

Most of it was spent with the interviewer complaining about the lack of air conditioning in the building, as she knew it was pointless, too.

Just think, stop my interviews, and you could give the staff decent working conditions...

A Romantic Night

[This post may contain adult concepts.]

Have you ever had a romantic night? I've always wanted one. Consecutive events. A meal out followed by time with my husband. Both, in one night.

It probably sounds normal, to the average person. To a healthy couple. It's something we can only dream about.

We showered on Monday, so we could recover from it in time for a meal out.

Mr has spent the last week in bed all the time (he normally spends part of the day on an armchair), just in the hope... In the hope it could be enough... Enough rest. Just enough rest. That tomorrow, maybe, we could have a meal out, and then come home and enjoy each other.

Possibly.

Just the fact he's resting to try and make it happen means so much to me. He knows how desperately I long for the romantic nights healthy people can have.

Maybe tomorrow, as we celebrate our 2 year anniversary two and half months late, we might actually manage a romantic night.

Empathy

OK, so we've established I have issues with anxiety and depression. I am also extremely emotional. People hug on TV? I bawl my eyes out. In 60 years time my husband might die? I bawl my eyes out. I cry. A lot. With tiny triggers.

I also take on other people's emotions. We recently had huge family drama in my father's side of the family. I wasn't just feeling my emotions, but I could intimately feel the emotions of every person involved. Not only that, but they weighed me down and limited my life. You know the phrase about walking in someone else's shoes? For as long as I can remember I have been superglued to everyone else's shoes. I remember in my teens, when my youth leader asked me what I thought my gift was, I said empathy. She replied that very few people were truly empathetic and I was probably just feeling sympathy. It's not. But it's not a healthy empathy either. It is an all-consuming out-of-control empathy.

I mentioned the other day that to help build myself up I have cut off things that pull me down, such as the news and negative people. I have also tried to build up barriers to other people's feelings. It's not that I don't care, it's just that right now I can't care.

My sister had a miscarriage over the weekend, at about 10 weeks. Normally I would be distraught and it would have "ruined" my day. I would be tearful and struggling to cope. As it is, I just accepted it as news, sent love and hugs, said a prayer and got on with the wonderful things we had planned for today.

Part of me feels incredibly uncaring for not joining in the grieving process. But I can't right now. Right now I'm dealing with the contents of my head, and all my own issues. The miscarriage, as awful as it is, is their life, and their emotions. I do not need to be in their heads and feeling their emotions. It's not my life.

One day, maybe in months time, maybe in years, I hope to be feeling again. One day I will, once again, embrace the empathy I feel... But it will be in a healthy way. It will not be all-consuming, and it will not be a strain on me and those around me. One day, because I have learnt the limitations, my empathy will be able to touch people's lives. But to reach that point, right now, I have to control it, and focus on my life, and my healing.

[Written earlier this month, I just delayed hitting post!]

What Is Saving Your Life Right Now?

Before I can answer this, I need to go back a step. Or two.

Over the weekend we did too much. Way, too much. As in, Sunday we went up to the caravan for a day trip. Monday, which was supposed to be swimming followed by rest, resulted in going to B&Q and me reaching a point where my legs couldn't hold me up any more. Tuesday was somehow ok... So we did Way Too Much again. But, it was a grand day of fun. But then yesterday... Oh, yesterday. The only useful thing I did all day was help get the washing out in the morning. I couldn't get myself food, close a window, anything. Mr had to pick up everything for us, and look after both of us. I couldn't even manage to follow a TV programme, and it was tough. Today has been much better, and I even did some art. Aaaaand we're getting help tomorrow. So things will be ok.

So. What is saving my life right now? Well, I could give a long list of gratitudes about the wonderful things in my life, but I just want to focus on one: my husband.

Mr has picked up all the pieces of broken me in the last day or so. He's sorted laundry out, and made sure I've eaten food. He's looked after the bunnies and carried us all through. He's held me as the tears have flowed, and even held me through my anger.

I read this the other day. I'll be honest, the first thing I did was go and give my husband a massage. Because I know he loves them. And because I wanted to say thank you. The post talks about that accepting love. That's what I have found in my husband. Mr's love for me is Christ-like.

Even when I am screaming, he will take me in his arms and hold me.

When we were in the swimming pool and he challenged me to go underwater for the first time, he talked to me about the power of fear and faith. Then he held me, his strong hands promising me I wouldn't drown as I dunked under, and bringing me securely back to the surface. I had complete trust in him.

Mr has taught me positive thinking.

Mr believes in my art.

Mr will hold me when I despair over our life... Benefits, thrush, ME, sex...

And he will lift me and give me hope. Hope for a better life. But also acceptance in this. Fun, freedom, laughter.

And if you don't know me, it sounds like my focus is on my husband and not God. But God is showing love to me through him. God is giving him the strength to keep giving when he feels like he can't. Without God, our marriage wouldn't be the fortress of love which has been built.

The love and care, shown to me by my husband, gifted through God, is what is saving my life, right now.

Jealousy

I'm lying here crying through sheer jealousy. Watching and reading about people, other artists, going out there and making their dreams happen. Coming up with new business ideas, painting everyday, social networking to find contacts and commissions. I'm not even well enough to make sure me and Mr eat right now. I am so jealous of people who are just able to get up and do. So jealous.